Coronavirus II: Surf's Up

It's been about six months since I last updated. During the slightly optimistic update, I gave details about how the Czech Republic and IBM were handling coronavirus protocols, how the virus impacted the economy and border controls, and the constant changing and loosening of the restrictions. As I type this I had to pause because lol holy shit it's been six months. That being said, 

Ah, the second wave. If only the pandemics of the past had warned us of the increased dangers of relaxing restrictions that are ultimately keeping people safe and, I'll say it, alive. Since I've last written, the Czech Republic started implementing slight changes every couple of days, it seemed. The mask mandate was the first and probably most popular to be axed. Restaurants and pubs reopened as the days lengthened and the weather warmed. The borders, while still being monitored, turned out not to really be monitored at all. By late June, pretty much all freedom of movement had returned. There was even a "goodbye, Coronavirus!" communal dinner on the famed Charles Bridge to bid salutations to the stagnation we had all been experiencing for the previous three months. Our days of jerking off and watching Tiger King were over, and the pandemic was gone.

Due to the pandemic, Prague's tourism was disastrously uprooted by its old cobblestones. If you've ever visited Prague, especially in the summer, you're no stranger to the crowded hot mess it becomes. It's tough to navigate or have any sense of spatial breathing room. The hospitality industry took a huge hit, but not huge enough for Czech Airlines to introduce a tri-weekly flight to Ulaanbaatar in the height of summer. If opportunities like a semi regular flight to Mongolia was the baseline indicator of trying to get the economy to normalize, the Czech Republic had officially reached its benchmark of how desperate the country was to recover from the first wave of the pandemic. If you look at the clusterfuck in the photo above, Czechs are drinking and playing music and taking photographs and creating a congregation to revel in the close social contact they had been missing out on for months. I don't blame them, but again, if we had fucking learned anything from the very basic health science which is constantly being reported, we would have known this wouldn't be officially over. There was no ghosting the coronavirus. But if I suddenly had multiple options to fly to Central Asia in the next week, the pandemic must be over!

While a lot of people here were in a hurry to travel and soak up the remaining days of summer, I spent most of my time indoors. I actually don't even have tan lines this year, and I have now typed the word "immunocompromised" so many times in the last few months that my autocomplete now has a lil soft spot for it. Being Type 1 meant I had to practice social distancing and isolation regardless of the amazing send off from the Charles Bridge. My immune system is different and easily compromised. I was still wearing a mask on public transit and indoors even though it was no longer required. Sometimes I had some pride about it. I'm being the good example in a sea of bad examples! More than a few people back in the US have messaged me to find out how the Czech Republic has been handling the coronavirus. And it didn't matter how good our numbers were at the time; I always responded with "poorly." I'd like to not die, and I didn't need government regulations in place to tell me to stay safe, but apparently most people did. It was almost as if feigning normalcy and ignoring the presence of any virus was universally welcomed. Some people still experience an incredible amount of disdain when a mask policy is enforced upon them. 

Staying away from whatever transmission sources was made easier by IBM since they continued to keep us on home office. During the summer, there was talk of returning to the office based on the severity of our jobs and the amount of client-facing we would actually do per department. We were rumored to go back sometime in September, maybe October. It sounded reasonable. It wasn't so much the returning to the office I had an issue with. It was taking the one bus that went by my office during peak commuting hours. Have you ever people watched on a bus? Or just people watched? People are fucking gross, dude. If I could hide back in my corner cube with the desk open next to me, I was in a prime position to have minimal contact with any employees. I was okay with that starting in September or October. I'm sure I'd have to start sending Gossamer to therapy with my return to the 9-5, but he'd be okay. Just like people being made to wear a mask, he'd be okay. 

But then, school started. Entire throngs of families returned from their vacations while having contact with hospitality workers, airline employees, gas pumps, forks in restaurants that were only given a rinse over and not a full wash, a door handle at a post office, a toy unknowingly being shared, wedding guests who couldn't be bothered to not wear a mask or use hand sanitizer, a credit card reader at the pharmacy, the seat previously sat in by someone on public transit, and a whole slew of things people touch without so much giving it a second thought. I monitored the numbers for a few days in early September and started to isolate as much as I could while Czech health officials were hyper sensitive about the economy collapsing for a second time. I turned down a few comedy shows. I started limiting my trips out of the apartment to once or twice a week. I pretty much stopped taking public transit all together.

At one point in late March, the only country in Europe without a coronavirus death was the Czech Republic. We were also one of the only countries to completely close its borders with the exception of overland freight. Italy went into lockdown and after seeing their sudden decline, many other countries followed, and not just their neighbors. But the Czech Republic was praised in international news articles for our rapid response to the growing concerns during the first wave. We were clearly doing something right, and the little second world country was getting some big talk among the big dogs. At roughly 400 new cases per day in early April, our numbers were looking pretty good compared to those who were floundering under a collapsed health system.

But in September and October, our cases and deaths skyrocketed. Our peak resulted at 15,000 cases in one day. It was announced within IBM that we would be working from home until further notice since clearly there could be no estimated timeline to rely upon. At one point, 40% of the tests performed were coming back positive. Almost half. We've gone through three Ministers of Health in two months, and precautions aren't staying in place long enough to fully monitor the effects on the population. The restrictions also aren't as strict as they were despite the exponential increase in deaths, as seen below: 

As of now, we're supposedly in a plateau, probably because of the restrictions put in place. Weird how that works. For most of the pandemic, Europe has been using a traffic light system to indicate the severity of the virus in each country but also the precautions which need to be taken to successfully travel safely. But yesterday, the Czech Republic introduced this fuckery errrr system called "PES" or DOG to keep "better" track of the situation:

Someone thought an ample amount of visuals was required to illustrate the growing threat of coronavirus. Since numbers are no good and potentially a thing of the past, the country is using colors and the mood of a cartoon dog to convey the severity of the pandemic. You may notice the dog is a Doberman, and typically only Nazis and junkyard security guards rely on Dobermans, so it surprised many people when it appeared, and not just appeared, but appeared happy on a Czech Republic coronavirus infograph. Obviously purple (or seething anger) is the worst case scenario, but right now the whole country is red (heightened anger with minimal teeth). Because of this Doberman terror fiasco system, we'll probably have a new Minister of Health by the end of next week. Nine months into the pandemic and somehow the concept of numbers and the dark horse known as science are still being ignored. 

While I gripe about the situation here, idiots en masse in the United States are forcing their own political issues on people who actually want to be safe. Covid safety is not a political issue, yet many are making it that way as you may have in the second Borat movie, Glorious Nation of Oh God It's Something Like That But I Can't Remember Exactly So This Might As Well Be It. Lakewood, Washington and Olympia, Washington made appearances and it only seemed to bolster the underlying, but pretty obvious message of the mockumentary. There is a serious problem in the United States when it comes to doing the right thing for the safety of others. 

I realize nowhere in the US Constitution does it state "Conscionable physical distance must be given in times of war, pestilence, etc." But I didn't wait for the Czech government to introduce a safety plan to keep myself and others healthy. Citizens of both CZ and the US are highly skeptical of what the government is telling them, the US because Trump is a fucking idiot and the Czechs because their numerous regime changes throughout the 20th century led to some serious mistrust throughout multiple generations. 

Why is the idea of science combined with creating actions reflecting our consistently changing knowledge so hard to come by? How many sources or pieces of evidence are needed to convince someone in your Facebook comments that they're actually wrong? Over the last nine months I've separated the unscientifically hard-nosed into two groups, those who are consciously refusing to accept the outcome of a scientific study (or an election) and those who simply do not get it. They will not get it. Their biases impede them from taking all of the evidence and really digesting it into a new concept they hadn't previously thought about, and I don't have the energy for that anymore. I can't muster the energy to dissect someone's shitty grammar and their thoughts about masks being ineffective. I'm tired, so I'm going to do what is in my power to help myself and others: stay home. 

My days are very monotonous but I'm churning out more creative substance as I sit here. I'm drawing a lot, like a lot a lot. I've read more books this year than I have in recent years. I took another stab at poetry. The hardest time I'm having right now during this second wave is the lack of human contact. I live by myself and on the days I do leave the house for the grocery store or the pharmacy or drug store, I'm usually getting yelled at because my Czech can't be understood underneath my mask. Yesterday while I was buying toilet paper and shampoo at the drug store counter, a woman sidled up next to me hard as she was trying to put her basket down in the area where my items were as I was paying for them. I stood my ground and asked her out loud in English "What are you doing? What are you doing," and rolled my eyes. Even if there wasn't an ongoing pandemic, this situation would be uncomfortable, so here's my specific question: what does the death toll need to be in the Czech Republic or the United States before measures are actually enforced or taken seriously? 

We've been at this nine months now and it's getting infinitely worse, so your shitty dive bar comedy show dick jokes can wait. Don't have Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. Shop during non-peak hours. Minimize touching public surfaces. Isolate if you even feel remotely sick. And wash your motherfucking hands. 

Berning Bridges

It's really strange to witness the beginning of a general election from overseas. After the last guy got elected in 2016, I was like

and got the fuck out of the United States. But it wasn't just Trump. I left the United States for a whole slew of reasons, and it's difficult to narrow it down to just one so here's the lot:

1. Trump does not represent what I stand for as an American.

2. Taking the above into account, I don't trust Trump to do the right thing for me as an American citizen, a woman, an insulin dependent diabetic, an alcoholic, a student loan debtor, and a democrat. I list "democrat" because the recent onslaught of diplomatic shenanigans and blame games brought to you by president Fuck Face.

3. In the Czech Republic, I don't make enough money after the exchange rate to pay off my student loans. I'm essentially saving myself $30,000 if I continue to live here for another 15 years.

4. Considering the on-again, off-again relationship with North Korea, I feel safer in the European continent rather than on the west coast of the United States. While I'm closer to the actual Motherland, it sort of eases me that Putin and Trump go at it real dry behind our backs so I don't think there's any real danger.

5. The cost of living in Seattle has turned from expensive to fucking atrocious. I like living alone and I'm past the point in my life where I can live with a person who isn't putting it in me on the regular.

Part of the research I did before I moved to Brno was all of the bureaucratic red tape I would have to go through, but not just on the Czech side. I wanted to see what happened to my drivers license, my permanent address, and my opportunity to vote. I wasn't renouncing my citizenship and declaring war on the United States (yet) so my rights as a voter are recognized overseas. I thought "hey in four years, we could probably fix this."

"Fix this" is pretty vague when it comes to the assertive action needed with the burgeoning clusterfuck of what's currently going on in the White House. Trump said a while back "if you don't like it here, you can leave." The guy didn't have to tell me twice, plus I was already gone. I waved to him but I don't think he saw it.

I've been able to continue supporting Bernie from abroad. He was my first choice in 2016 because he speaks to my issues directly and he's been fighting for me since before my existence. Some call him a career politician, but I don't see a problem with that. He's made it his life's work to help Americans, the people of Vermont, and those who are timelessly marginalized by the right. It would be different if he was taking corporate money or was in cahoots with billionaires, but he isn't. And he's not just going to take care of me. He's also going to take care of you, no matter who you are, and I can get behind that.

But I don't consider myself a "Bernie bro," and to be honest, I don't think I've actually ever encountered one in real life or on the internet. The people or trolls who have been described as intentionally argumentative, biased, blind, angry, and stubborn remain elusive to me. There's a huge difference between the people whose first choice for president is Bernie Sanders and the people who become militant and extremist with his cause. Supposedly people have had the displeasure of encountering Bernie bros, and I'm not discounting their experiences. It might be because of the company I keep or the things I choose to expose myself to, but I think they might just be passionate idiots who occasionally enjoy a good political circle jerk.

Part of the reason why my support of Bernie has remained consistent is because of his democratic opponents. I really did like Elizabeth Warren and I don't think she's the corporate criminal who people are making her out to be. She still has yet to endorse any one person in the race and it would flip everyone out of she endorsed Bernie, but I don't think she will. She still has connections to the establishment, the same establishment of lying dog-faced pony soldier candidate Joe Biden.

I had to get someone over the age of 65 to explain to me what the fuck a lying dog-faced pony soldier is because that's the world that Joe Biden lives in, an unrelatable John Wayne hellscape with mysteriously grandiose stories about the weird neighbors in the 1950s. Biden looks like he could get in a fight with a parakeet and barely live to tell about it. 

But Joe Biden scares me, and not because of his linguistic gaffs that have surfaced as a result of the mainstream media. He scares me because even though his attitude isn't exactly like Trump's, he won't have my best interests in mind. He has a horrible track record with women, the LGBT community, pro-war senate votes, the criminal justice system, and marijuana use on a federal level. Every candidate at one point or another has said "we need to combat prescription drug prices." Cool. Agreed. But I don't think Biden has spent enough time with real Americans who have real medical issues. His son had cancer and his son died of cancer, but the Bidens aren't facing the reality of having to choose between life-saving medication or paying rent, going to Mexico to buy medication, starting a GoFundMe to afford required medication and care, or seeking out cheaper medication that's intended for dogs. After analyzing some sources/tweets, it became clear that if Biden were the democratic nominee, I wouldn't be able to return to the United States because Trump would run rings around that guy (although sign me up for those debates because they're going to be a fucking riot). Living in the Czech Republic isn't what I signed up for, but this is my life now. Ideally I'd like to go back to living where I was before because even though it's stupid expensive, I miss the life I had in Seattle. A Bernie Sanders presidency is my best bet to returning home and ending this whimsical saga abroad. 

But people have their concerns about Bernie, too. He had an emergency stent put in but he got right back on the campaign trail. He remains mentally lucid, aware, and doesn't say anything off book that would put him in hot water. There's also this rampant fear of communism within the older communities in the United States. Communism has never been an issue in my lifetime, and it continues to not be while I live in a former Soviet satellite state. The Dubya administration bolstered their efforts in making terrorism the new fear instead of communism. We had terror alert levels, commemorative 9/11 plates, and additional precautionary measures in every FAA security line at every goddamn airport, which made stand up comedy infinitely worse for a number of years. And now every Trump supporter who lived through McCarthyism can return to using communism as a fear tactic. (I do want to point out that communism is a political system and socialism is an economic system because some dudes in my Facebook feed constantly like to disagree despite the evidence and testimonials). But in 2008 we elected the guy with a middle name of Middle Eastern descent, so maybe one day we can have hope again.

The one concern I have with Bernie is that I'm not sure about his expertise in handling foreign policy. He's a career anti-war guy and I completely agree with that. However, when it comes to participating in negotiations, diplomacy, and other events on the world stage, I don't know if he could do it. He's a guy who would definitely be able to take care of things at home, and maybe that's what the United States needs. Maybe we need someone to focus on fixing shit at home instead of barging our way into other country's issues like it's our national past time. Maybe we can actually fix this.

If Biden gets enough delegates to receive the democratic nomination, I'll vote for him. I've seen people say "he's just democratic Trump!" and while there's some truth to that, I think Biden would be able to approach other nations of the world with more tact and grace instead of crashing into a fake painting on the side of a rock like Wile E. Coyote each and every time. If Biden's the nominee, I think it would be a complete disaster. But those debates though...

I don't like waiting out the results of this election because it really does determine my future as an American living abroad. Usually when there's been any developments made with the primaries or coronavirus, I find out about it when I wake up and the majority of the people I know are making their way to bed. I'm hoping that the states whose primaries are held today can see what a difference their choices will make now that it's down to Bernie, Biden, and dark horse Tulsi Gabbard. 

"YEAH, YOU'D THINK."

I don't even know where to start because a lot has happened but also nothing has happened at all. This is my first entry for all of June because, like I said, nothing has really happened worth noting.

Czech bureaucracy has worn me down to the point of tears. The immigration and employment processes seemed fairly streamlined and straightforward when viewed on a website. But when you're having to go from one brutalist building to another to ensure the concrete ship is being ran tightly while being forced to hand over the wheel to someone else, it can become extremely discouraging. 

To be more specific, I'm having to do a lot of the work myself. You might be thinking "oh poor you, Liz. You LIVE in Europe, how can that be so complicated and exhausting?" Because I can't trust anything anyone tells me. Usually when you speak with someone directly from the government, you have some some faith that you're being told an official, correct answer. Between the information I get from the Ministry of Interior, my new job, their respective websites, and the faceless person who may or may not communicate effectively with me via email, something is always left out, I receive four different answers to the same question, or I get information too late that would have been much helpful at an earlier point. As a result, this poorly oiled stroj has made any attempt at planning ahead, organizing a schedule, or getting any kind of clear answer to do so next to impossible. 

Here's a "quick" timeline of 2018 so far:

January 27:

Got hired at new job pretty much immediately. Woohoo! This means applying for an employee card, a two year "visa" that allows me to legally work for a business in the Czech Republic as opposed to using my trade license and a long-stay visa through a term of one year.

January 27 through March 27:

Gather certified documents, translations, and degrees to apply for employee card. I find out my start date at work is April 23.

March 23:

I give notice at my teaching job as I must notify my employer more than 60 days out if I have the intention of leaving my position.

April 9:

Apply for employee card at Ministry of Interior. I'm told this process should take six weeks. I pay an administration fee of 1500 crowns but I have to use government issued stamps as, I quote, "bribes are still a problem here."

April 23:

I'm pushed back at my job until May 14 as my employee card is still processing. I get a letter from the Ministry of Interior saying I need to come in with a certified Czech translator for an interview on May 10.

May 10:

My interview with the Ministry of Interior is centered around me switching from my trade license to an employee card. A ton of questions ensue about my assets in the Czech Republic, how I spend my time freelancing, why I will no longer be teaching at an accredited institution, and why I applied for the job. 90 minutes later, they tell me I could be approved as soon as Monday or by the end of the following week.

May 11:

My last day at my teaching job. I quit at this time because I was under the impression I would be working that Monday.

May 14:

I'm not approved and my start date at my job is pushed back to June 11. 

May 17:

Receive a phone call from the Ministry of Interior my application for an employee card was approved. I'm told I'll receive an official copy in the mail within ten days so I can formally confirm with my employer. I am given a date, June 27, to come into the Ministry of Interior for biometric data to be included on my employee card, 13 days after my supposed start date. The person who calls me tells me I can start work even if I don't have the card in hand.

May 22:

Because my employer wants to conduct a medical check, as in an exam making sure I can actually do the job I was hired to do, I meet with a doctor who doesn't know me. He determines that because I have Type 1 diabetes, I might be a risky hire. I'm given a test tube to pee into as I have to provide my own sample (or anyone's) and meet with another doctor assigned to my employer on May 24. 

May 24:

The second doctor doesn't ask for my urine sample. I record this conversation as I have now learned I can't trust what anyone tells me. She agrees that I might be a risky hire because I have Type 1 as well as depression. My case is sent over to a board of directors in Prague to review and my endocrinologist is called to confirm my diabetes is being successfully managed and I have zero complications as a result. She doesn't ask for my urine test and I then realize I basically could have lied about the whole thing because no one was going to bother to check or follow up with me. She then stammers with me for ten minutes while I ask her what is it exactly about my disease that prevents me from working my job. I leave with no answer.

June 1:

My medical check is approved but I haven't received any information in the mail that I can show my employer I can start work on June 11. 

June 11:

I don't start my job. Turns out I can't work unless I have the actual card printed and in my hand.

June 12:

My employer pushes me back until July 23. My employer tells me there might be a possibility I can start on July 16, but no one confirms this. 

June 27:

I go to the Ministry of Interior to get my picture taken and get fingerprinted for my employee card. I am told I can pick up the card on Tuesday, July 17. I notify my employer my card will be ready to pick up on said date.

June 28:

My employer tells me I can start on July 16, but they can't tell me if I can work without the physical card in hand or if I am able to take time in the middle of the following day to pick up the card. I sit in bed and write this post. As of yesterday, this has now taken six months.

The Czech Republic is a weird place. In some areas you'd think it would be incredibly advanced but in other areas, it doesn't add up. The main example I use is with our debit cards. Across CZ we can use a "contactless card," meaning I no longer have to swipe it and I can just tap the card on a receiver and my purchase goes through. Not a lot of banks have instituted this technology in the United States so it's kind of a one up. 

However, the main branch of my bank is in central Brno, and if I want to take money out or deposit money, I have to pick a number like it's the fucking DMV and wait until I'm called to then tell a real person how much money I want to deposit or withdraw. So the technology is great...but the automated system overall is not updated or consistent.

The major thing I have learned in the past nine months since I've been here is that expecting all of the bureaucracy to go seamlessly is ridiculous. The first tip I should have noticed this at is that for me to apply for a visa in the Czech Republic, I had to go to Berlin, Warsaw, Vienna, or Bratislava. I had to leave the country to apply to stay in the country which I came from. I thought it would be...easy.

Not only has the process been long, annoying, and every level of frustrating, it's been emotionally taxing. Because of the delays in my job, I had to back out of Edinburgh Fringe as I thought I'd be able to take time off in August if I had started on time. I lost my deposit I put towards a bed in a shared flat and my flight didn't get refunded. Overall I lost about $500 on this, money I could have put towards a deposit on a new flat or used for airfare to fly home and visit. There were times where I thought I could have gone home for a week, but because I couldn't trust any of the information being told to me, I couldn't risk being out of the country during a time where something might change...again. This process has affected my stand up, my family time, my creative drive, and my determination to be a real person.

My main "character defect" is patience, as AA told me. I don't have it. I don't know what to do with it when I do have it. I absolutely hate not having the answers to questions I have. My dad told me a story a few weeks ago where he was watching me when I was about age 2. He took these magnetic alphabet letters we had off the fridge and put them in front of me to spell different basic words. My dad would put the word out in front of me and say "cat!" while he'd point to Jake or Elwood, named after the Blues Brothers. I picked it up fairly quickly, but once the letters were scrambled, I didn't do well. He put the word "cat" with the letters out of order in front of me. I was getting agitated because I knew all the letters were there but I didn't know what to do to make it say "cat." I became inconsolable, crying and saddened, a two-year-old only wanting the answer that couldn't be given to me.

I've been too depressed and angry to write this post and part of me didn't want to let everyone know how I was doing. A lot of the complications are hard to explain to someone who hasn't gone through it themselves. For six months I've been trying to create some semblance of a schedule or routine, but I haven't had that. I sleep from 3am until 3pm. I've watched a lot of sitcoms and my YouTube history is full of conspiracy-related time holes. I try to do one thing a day, whether that's a load of laundry or checking. I cried myself to sleep last night because I really don't want that much: I just want my tiny apartment, my cat, and my job. 

I've been looking at other flats because the one I'm in now is excessive and I'm paying for a lot of space I don't use. I went to look at a place in a panelak, a panel style building constructed in the former Czechoslovakia, and I fell in love with it. On the top floor with no one living above me, the windows looked out over the hillsides and industry of the city. I had a deck with windows that could be pulled aside in the summer for fresh air. The bathroom was brightly lit and there was sample storage space for the items I don't have. The kitchen was pristine but not sterile. With two major tram lines and five major bus routes at the bottom of the building, I'd have easy access to the job I have yet to work and the rest of the city, but being up thirteen stories, you couldn't hear anything and it was reassuringly quiet.

The weather has been cold and 50ish. It rained all night so when my hometown weather is upon me, I use it as an excuse to not go out. "Well at least I'm not spending any money!" I think to myself as I restart Brooklyn 99 and eat a tortilla for dinner. I cried myself to sleep last night because I honestly thought it wouldn't be this hard. I've put in the effort, made appointments, showed up on time, filled out the right forms, certified and translated all my documents correctly, followed up with phone calls and emails, and I still feel like I failed. Why is it that the Czech system is so backwards but I'm the one who feels like she failed? I don't want to sit here and be like "Yeah man the system, man...it's just the system out to get us" but really I don't think people realize how much easier these processes could be. I'm definitely spoiled coming from the US, but you'd think some changes would be implemented given that so many immigrants and foreigners are going through these exact same steps just to get a well paying job in a different country on a daily basis. At what point is it not worth it anymore?

And the worst part of all of this: the United States is so fucked up right now, I feel like I can't go home, even if I wanted to. Do I try to do best with the cards given to me in CZ or do I risk not having access to certain human facets at home? Do I have a home right now? I feel like I can't go home. 

A lot of this is me simply rambling but I'm realizing it's a pretty accurate example of the state I'm currently in: I'm lost with no organized timeline and I can't trust anyone. 

So You Want to Expatriate

For the last six months, I've been deliberately oversharing on social media because so many people have asked me what the expat process is like and it's just been easier to be open about it. I've shared a lot about the differences in culture between the Czech Republic and the US, the language, common history, politics, etc, but I haven't gone into explaining about the process itself: with starting a new life abroad comes a ton of bureaucratic tape, and not all of it is in English. This post is mostly for those who are interested in expatriating and what worked well for me and didn't work well, even if you're looking elsewhere than "Czechia." (lol get a load of this guy, trying to go by "Myanmar" when he's actually Burma, get real).

1. DO YOUR RESEARCH. The question I get asked most is "why the Czech Republic?" Before I even started looking at other countries, I needed to narrow down what it was about Seattle that I was attempting to escape. The cost of living and the quality of life were two things I needed to compare in whatever place I ended up. I started crunching numbers with international cities and made a baseline of what cities I could live in that were similar, just to get an idea. Among those cities were Paris, Dresden, Munich, Milan, Brussels, Amsterdam, Oslo, Osaka, Incheon, and Copenhagen. All of these places had their own perks stemming from the influence of Western European culture but they were also all on the Euro. If you're going to be working overseas, there's a chance you'll be getting paid from overseas depending on what job you secure, so when it comes to the Euro replacing your dollar, even though you may be getting paid in USD, there's a chance it won't extend as far as it would in places like Ukraine, Thailand, or Poland.

So it was narrowed down to places not on the Euro, which left me with places where I'd need to join a tribe and get a Travel Channel special or in a place living way below my means and having someone from the US sponsor me for just pennies a day. Then it came to down to places I had been to before, so in this case it was the Czech Republic, Poland, South Africa, and Zimbabwe. I had traveled to Central and Eastern Europe in 2009 and remembered it incredibly fondly. The terrain was something pretty to look at, like if Wisconsin actually had some substance. The people had a resting bitch face attitude like I do, and my dollar could go further here than anywhere else.

Another facet I had to research was if there is an existent expat community where I wanted to go. Is there any kind of social safety net where you can locate people who speak and write the same language as you? Is learning a language with clicks and hieroglyphics going to hinder the time you'll be spending wishing you had picked another location to move to? Am I going to let that dangling preposition bother me? No.

The cost of living in Brno is 70% less than it is in Seattle. How bad is Seattle? There are BRAND NEW "micro studio" apartments, as in a 270 square foot dorm room with a shared bathroom with other tenants in the building for $900 a month. Seattle used to be an affordable, liberal haven on the West Coast that shook its head at the San Francisco smugness and the even worse Los Angeles traffic all the while remaining creative, progressive, and still one step ahead of Portland. This factor alone combined with the possibility of losing my health insurance was enough to get me to start this research in the first place, as living in Seattle with an auto-immune disease was becoming increasingly unsustainable.

Since a move to Africa seemed a little too reverse Mean Girls, I started looking at the actual immigration process for both the Czech Republic and Poland. Actually, let me back up.

You know how every election there's one person who's like Fuck this I'm moving to Canada and I'm never coming back! but they don't move? The reason people don't move to Canada because it has a super strict immigration policy and they can't. If you can't prove you have expertise in areas that will directly benefit very specific sections of the economy, you ain't gettin' in. Since most of the people I know disagree with the president yet they're biochemical engineers, oil field design specialists, or data IT farmers, they're not moving.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. Once you've thrown your dart at your Google Map and had it successfully puncture land and not water, research the immigration policies by looking at expat forums from those countries. A lot of these forums have insights on current job openings, various immigration situations from student visas to marital situations, and what government offices to navigate once you've arrived and in most cases, which language to pursue while doing so. It was in this process that I discovered a trade license for the Czech Republic called a Živnostenský list, which allows me to be self employed as long as I can prove I have the funds to move. I would select areas of work that I'd most likely be self employed in, such as customer service, teaching English, writing/editing, and IT. Most countries don't take kindly to people overstaying their visas or thinking they're going to become a brand new citizen with a backpack, dreads, and $20 they got from busking in another country in which they overstayed illegally. So make sure you qualify for your chosen country's legal immigration process. Otherwise you'll just be Patty from accounting who keeps bitching that Canada has better healthcare than the US at whatever chance she gets. So that brings me to my next point:

2. Save your money. When you apply for the appropriate visa in your country, chances are you'll need to prove that you have money. If you're applying for a student visa, this may be less important, but these are also the most common visas that people overstay. They graduate and just become an illegal lifer wherever they are. In my case, I sold my car and everything else and lived a very very thrifty lifestyle for the last few months before I left the US while putting everything else on a credit card that gets airline miles for an airline I don't fly anymore. 

Some countries will have different limitations on what you can have. For instance, I needed at least $5,500 in my account as well as an official notarized statement proving it. You'll also need to prove that you'll be able to maintain that amount, which is currently difficult. In the Czech Republic, you need a Živnostenský list (called a "zivno") AND a long stay visa in order to work, so right now, I'm biding my time by eating cheap cheese and walking a lot of places. I'm currently forgoing clothing hangers at the moment because I need to save money, but I'm lucky that the exchange rate between the Czech koruna and the US dollar is in my favor. 

If you're retired, fucking awesome! Lots of people retire to Central and Eastern Europe because they can live above their means with the money they have left. But this also means that they no longer have any incoming income, so it's a toss up with what you'll end up doing in the end. Hopefully dying happy knowing you lived a good life. 

3. Wager your sacrifices/comfort. When I say that, I'm referring to taking stock in what you're leaving behind and what your expatriation will mean for other people, friends, family, or coworkers. I applaud the people who uproot their family of four to a country where the language is difficult all because dad had a weird dream one night. I decided to move because I wasn't in a relationship and I had just lost my job at a furniture consignment store, something that was hardly integral to the creation of a career. So what was I clinging to? Expensive rent?

(also sidenote I swear I just heard a seagull but that can't be right).

After the plug on the move was pulled, I made a list of things that would bring me back to the US, most of which were incredibly bleak. These circumstances varied from deaths in the family to the somewhat likeliness of a nuclear war breaking out. And when I say "bring me back," I mean cancel my lease, repack everything, ship everything, not buying-a-return-ticket bring me back. Moving from Minneapolis to Seattle in the past was in some ways minor preparation for this journey, a scrimmage or pre-season game. No big life changes in the first year of sobriety! I was told, but I returned to my hometown to protect my sobriety and I knew that staying in Minneapolis would mean coming out of retirement. But this time around, with my sobriety safely guarded, I wasn't moving to protect anything. I was moving for me. And the cool part is, you know what? If any of this happens to suck, I can always move back. Having a great support network allows me to make these types of decisions, but I understand not everyone can make grandiose ideas become reality in one night.

You'll also need to prepare yourself for some pushback from people after you've made the decision to move. When I first told people I was moving, I was met with concerns that had simple solutions. But you don't know the language! I can learn it. Do you know anyone there? I'll meet people. I don't want to trivialize valid concerns, but when I was met with opposition, it wasn't discouraging; it only pushed me further and made me more determined to leave. Others may come across these difficulties and fold right there. You're right, I don't know anyone so living in a country where English is not the chosen first language may not be the correct path for me. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe Amsterdam is more your style. Everyone speaks English because they realized lol fuck us no one is going to learn Dutch, it's a ridiculous language. But the Czechs held on tight and will make it very clear to you they speak Czech and so will you.

Like I said, this pushback made me all the more determined in my search for a different life. For the last five months, all I've done is research (see Step 1). I constantly have over ten tabs open on my computer of PDF forms in Czech and English, a currency conversion calculator, a tram line map, a tram line ticket pricing guide, a tram line offices guide, regional train ticket website, private health insurance guide, public health insurance guide, Netflix, and Facebook. Research became my part time job before moving. I was up on my phone at night even after I shut my laptop lid for the evening. I was seeking out new sections of bookstores and language websites. I picked up a phrasebook and started practicing preemptively.

4. Get involved in expat stuff, but not too involved. Prague is famous for this bubble in Prague 2, which is a section that's teeming with expatriates from many other first world nations. These expats rarely venture out of their bubble and become dependent on their surroundings in their own language, sort of what the Italian immigrants did with Little Italy and the Russians with Brighton Beach. Once you arrive, it's nice to be able to know other people and have some security, but after a while, you'll probably need to register with the foreign police or go on a journey where everyone in your train carriage is speaking every language but your own.

It's going to be okay, but it's going to be uncomfortable as fuck. Even today, I went to pick up my 30 day tram pass from the local office here in Kralovo Pole and I asked the woman Mluvíš anglicky? She immediately responded with ne. So we kind of stood there and looked at each other for a minute. I got out my phone and used Google Translate and she responded using the same tool on her computer. We were able to have a slow conversation that took a few minutes, but I got the information I needed and thanked her and left.

Expats are going to be really handy with knowing other events in your own language and other hangouts in your town, unless you're the first expat - good for you! And since Facebook is essentially an entity all on its own now, use it for good and not stalking your exboyfriend. There are a ton of Facebook expat groups dedicated to finding housing, offering language exchanges (you help with my Czech while I help with your English), buy/sell/trade, job offers, etc. I'm in roughly ten of these and I was able to get connected to a website to find my apartment and another job board that posts jobs for bilingual candidates or jobs in need of native English speakers. Let the expat experience be a tool but not your lifeline.

5. HIRE A VISA AGENCY. I don't trust myself to handle my paperwork, visas, signatures, affidavits, appointments, and all of the bureaucratic nonsense that comes along with moving to a different country, so it turns out there are agencies that do it for you! Whaaaat super awesome. I'm using an agency in Prague that I contacted a few months ago. They praised me for getting a jump on this before I left since most people land in Prague and the countdown starts from their 90 day visa-free stay in order to get legal. No place to live, no job, etc. So a team originally from Pittsburgh helped me out with what documents they needed, what I needed to fill out, what needed to be translated, etc. They make the appointments, I show up. For instance I have a visa appointment in Berlin in late November. They'll interview me to make sure I am who I say I am and that I'm qualified for what I'm putting down as my list of trades. It's basically a job interview to live in another place. AND you don't want to be deported because you didn't have your ducks in a row, so it's best to let someone do that who has not only has done it themselves.

I'm sure there's a ton more I could be talking about and stuff that hasn't even occurred to me yet, which is why having a blog is handy since you can ramble anytime, anywhere. A lot of this is Czech-specific. But I'll leave you with this (puts mic back in the stand): the easiest countries to immigrate to if you are NOT a student or legally single/not married are the Netherlands and the Czech Republic. Or just marry a broad you meet on the internet I don't know who cares WHOZZISS GUY THINK HE IZZ ahhhh okay time for bed.