Red Pill vs. Blue Pill

Woo! My visa has been approved! 

With a long stay visa, I'll be legal to work in the Czech Republic for the next year. I have a few more bureaucratic things to take care of in regards to getting paid, but the waiting and the hard part is over. A year from now, I'll need to reapply for two years after I prove I'm able to support myself being independently employed with my trade license. The schools I currently work for allow me to teach as a contractor, meaning I'm responsible for my own taxes, health insurance, and future visa processes. 

It's a huge relief. I've heard these horror stories of messy visa applications with different contracts and the length of stay available to expats and so far I've done my best to avoid that. One of the complicated things about visas is that no one situation applies to everyone. While I was doing research before I left the US, I was getting an insane amount of misinformation from people who assumed I was from the EU or that I was already a Czech resident but not a Czech citizen. CZ separates expats and their rights by where they come from. For instance, members from the EU, people from the UK, Americans, Australians, Canadians, and other citizens labeled "third country nationals" all require a different visa process to apply for residency or for work. My dear friend KD swooped in during June of last year to alert me to her existing troubles as an American abroad. She highlighted details given to me that were incorrect and struggles she encountered both in CZ and abroad to steer me in the right direction. I'm infinitely thankful for her and I couldn't have completed this exodus without her. She's also been extremely real with me in that she explains things about Czech bureaucracy with no sugar coating. I'd rather someone be up front with me and be brutally honest than leave me in the dark to figure out these processes on my own. The truth can hurt, but it makes for good progress in the future. 

Prior to receiving the email regarding my visa approval, I went to my first therapy appointment since October. I had done some research about who to contact before leaving the United States but hadn't bothered to contact anyone until about two weeks ago. Therapists generally don't take health insurance in CZ and just do a flat rate for one hour, which alleviated me trying to find someone who takes my non-existent insurance but won't break my back. In USD, prices average out to about $20/hr. In the past, my therapists have been anywhere from included in the cost of my health insurance or their rates were north of $130/hr. There also seems to be a sliding scale with bilingual therapists where the cost is lower in Czech but a few more crowns if you require an English speaker. 

Bretislav is a mix of Hopper from Stranger Things and a Czech version of Dr. Frasier Crane. I had seen his picture online when I was looking for therapy options in 2017 and like a lot of comedians I know, they look incredibly different from the professional headshot they've loosely been relying upon for a number of years. He listed his credentials and his areas of expertise, which is important when seeking out therapy. Two years ago I had made the mistake of going to therapy with someone who wasn't keyed in about addiction, the recommended treatment involved, and the after effects of staying sober. I ended up having to explain a lot of facets of AA and how the recovery system works, which was fine, but needing to contextualize addiction within my anxiety and depression proved to be fairly difficult. I was relieved to see Bretislav specialized in all three areas. 

We emailed back and forth about finding a time to meet and I met him at his office. His entire workspace was larger than my last apartment in Seattle. Fifteen foot high ceilings (or roughly four meters?) and tall windows allowed for a lot of natural light to be complemented by bright hardwood floors and off-white walls. He had two IKEA swivel accent chairs facing each other with a coffee table separating them. Books in Czech and English and plants I assumed were fake decorated his bookcases. After seeing the entire arrangement, I went into design mode and mentally reorganized his space with my belongings to my liking. The space would photograph well. 

Bretislav sat across from me with a pen and a legal pad. I've been trying to figure out where the fuck to get yellow legal pads in Brno since I've arrived but I was determined not to be distracted during our first meeting. He asked me a few basic questions and explained that there are some complexities in the English language he may not understand so there's a chance I'll need to clarify on occasion. I've had to do this a lot in CZ since I've arrived and doing it for the person treating me for my emotional free-for-alls didn't seem like too much to ask since he'll need to understand me on multiple levels. I talked about where my issues stemmed from: my parents' divorce, dating men I shouldn't as a result, alcoholism, mentally taxing diabetes care, feelings of inadequacy, running away from my problems and my severe fight or flight instinct, and the general idea that I am not enough and I never have been. Of course a lot of these things are going to take longer than 50 minutes to delve into, especially when talking at half the speed I normally talk to ensure no one is lost in translation. 

Because it had been so long since I've spoken to an impartial party, it became overwhelming to not leave out any details about why I scheduled an appointment. I wanted Bretislav to know everything immediately so he could stamp a diagnosis on me or lend me resources to curb the things I've been told are wrong with me, my faults, criticisms, and critiques. I explained how a recent text from an ex-boyfriend threw me for a loop of would have/could have/should have hypotheticals and how it has led me to second guess a decision my mom once deemed "dramatic." From what I understand, a lot of expats experience this phenomenon. Moving abroad is easily the biggest decision we've ever made, maybe behind on deciding which university to attend or other life struggles I'm unaware of. We start to examine all of the different paths our lives have taken, what prompted us to pack up everything important, sell whatever wasn't important, and uproot ourselves from the life of familiarity we no longer desired. 

But this wasn't just a "well maybe if I wasn't so irrational, we'd be married" situation. This was a "maybe I should have continued my studies in Art History and applied for graduate school abroad" situation or a "maybe I should have picked a profitable major and ignored all of my creative impulses so I'd be rich but boring" possibility. It wasn't the text I received at 4am; it was all of these paths culminating into a Czech nexus of uncertainty. I'm happy I'm here and I'm happy I made the decision to move. It feels selfish from time to time, but ultimately the path I'm on right now seems to outweigh all of the others, and the part that bothers me the most is never knowing what could have happened if I took a different path, leading me to feel guilty and ashamed.

I tried to explain all of this to Bretislav in the five minutes remaining in our appointment and he politely reminded me that if I decide to move forward with his services, we'll have plenty of time to discuss the events and neuroses which make me a human being. After all, whatever has happened will stay that way. Things that have happened to me can't erase themselves no matter which country I run to. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't move east enough. Instead of being nine hours ahead of Seattle, I should be 14 hours ahead and living in a yurt with a dirt floor and a couple who does all of their hunting with a trained eagle out on a vast steppe. But choosing to live in a yurt means little to zero access to insulin, so here we are in Brno.

It's been an emotional week. Now that my visa is done, I can acquire Czech public health insurance. I used my credit card for the first time since I've been here to pay for medication for the next four months - $130 for a four month supply of Cymbalta and Wellbutrin with no insurance. In the US, a 30 day supply of Cymbalta alone is $260 without insurance. Even though my costs are cheap in comparison to the United States, I'm happy to know I can officially begin this process, as it's a lot of the reason why I'm here in the first place. I gotta take care of me, and sometimes I forget to do that.

Some resemblance of an actual life here in Brno is beginning to emerge. I'm no longer in visa limbo, I have access to an incredible network of doctors and specialists, and I can legally acquire income to support myself. The first few months have been tough because most of my savings has gone towards paying rent without receiving anything in return as it was illegal to get paid. I can go forth and be productive! And I have incredibly amazing things on the horizon. On Wednesday I leave for Poland for a five day tour with two amazing female comics from Prague. Our journey will take us to Wroclaw, Lodz, Warsaw, and Krakow with an extra day to do some sightseeing. Poland has similar costs to CZ so we won't be going broke and our accommodation is with other comedians, meaning new friends and neighbors. Another American expat comedian in Poland is helping us coordinate travel and costs with different venues where we're performing. I can't wait.

So in hindsight, wanting to have a solo adventure in my life isn't bothering me; it's all of the unknown adventures I'll never know about that could have been possible. 

One Week

I didn't realize until last night that my planning has been going really smoothly and I haven't encountered many hiccups along the way: no crashing browsers in the middle of purchasing airline tickets, most emails are replied to within 24 hours, and with enough intensive Googling, I can find the answers to most of my questions. I'm feeling strong and confident. And after beating the shit out of United Healthcare and knowing I'll never have to deal with them ever again, I'm feeling pretty good.

Part of me was wondering if this move, the apex of the biggest decision I ever made, was some sort of travel mania I was experiencing as a result of European separation anxiety, which, let's admit, that's the whitest thing I've probably ever typed. Half of my family has this huge knack for going above and beyond to experience the ultimate wanderlust at whatever cost. I use the word "wanderlust" hesitantly because it's such a Pinterest loving, university experiencing, privileged Instagramming phenomenon.

You know, this kind of bullshit.

I was reassured the sense of mania which arose was more of a longing or yearning for change, a chance to do something for me. Mania would have meant I decided to go to Europe the next day and emptied my bank for a one way ticket and left my apartment and kitty behind. Instead, this exodus for a better life, cost of living, even pseudo-socialism, was planned in a methodical, systematic way to navigate away from the challenges and worries I've successfully avoided. 

Wanderlust isn't documenting it for everyone else except you. The last time I went to Europe, I wanted to be selfish with my experiences and I prevented anyone from accompanying me. I went on my eight-week trek alone and corresponded with those who needed updates regarding my whereabouts. I'd update Facebook when I was leaving one place and arriving in the next, which was effective since most people know if I haven't posted on social media in more than 24 hours, something's amiss and a Liam Neeson type character may need to be contacted. I documented my trip through extensive writing and pictures with the camera I last owned before succumbing to a phone with a camera feature. I knew I'd be back, I just didn't know when. Someone once told me the average American makes it to Europe once every seven years, even though definitions of "average American" are drastically different. All numbers aside, I see it as more of a pilgrimage and less of a visit expedition. 

With kitty on my back, I'll be flying into Frankfurt for a tight little connection before the hour long flight to Prague. After arriving in Prague, I have about a three hour journey by car to Brno. All in all the journey will be roughly 14 hours for me and 18 for kitty. The minimal anxiety I have right now is having to take Patrick out of his carrier twice in order to pass through security check points. I have a little rocket ship backpack he'll be traveling in out and open on my floor so he can approach it instead of me shoving him into an unknown airline approved abyss at the last minute. Last week I managed to take him out for a small walk in it. His unstable weight made me unstable as well and it took him a minute to adjust to not traveling in a crate at my side. I talked with him as he looked out of his capsule at the surrounding condominiums, trees, asphalt, and changing leaves. After we got back indoors and I unzipped him from his container, he didn't bolt away and hide and hiss like cats do. He calmly walked out of it and rubbed against the framing, a good sign.

The reports I've found online have given me conflicting reports. Some sites tell me that once we pass through security at Sea-Tac, he'll be able to stay in there all the way to Bohemia and he'll only have to endure a security screening one time. Other sites tell me that once I arrive at my transfer point in Frankfurt, I'll have to go through passport control and take him out of his carrier again, at which time I'll have an hour and fifteen minutes to complete. It will be tight, but I've also heard of these famous "express lanes" for passengers who have connecting flights under 90 minutes...but we'll see.

A sneak preview of me trying to run through Frankfurt International Airport. 

At the end of September, I moved out of the apartment I've been living in on Beach Drive. Oooooh Beach Drive, how fancy! Yeah, except I was living in a closet with barely any access to natural light and a ton of IKEA furniture, 90% of which I was able to resell during some mostly not sketchy situations via Facebook Marketplace. Most of the messages I received were just numbers a lot lower than what I placed the item at originally. 30. 45. 20. 

No "hi" or "hello, I was inquiring about the like new piece of flatpack furniture you've placed upon the internet for those to peruse during the late night hours before bedtime?" Or whatever. Having worked in furniture and consignment for a bit, I was pretty confident placing prices on items that were hardly showing any signs of wear but definitely weren't new. After selling everything I could, I racked up about $900. I also spoke with my apartment complex and I'll be getting only $100 less from my original deposit because this broad knows how to spackle.

I went to Minnesota for a few days to say some much needed goodbyes and for a few stints of stage time. I headlined the club I started at in 2011, which has now changed hands something like 5-6 times. Upon landing, I immediately went into autopilot for navigating through the city and suburbs but then remembered lingering road construction from the summer was a thing and ended up traveling on streets I never knew existed until this weekend. The rental car company rented me a Chrysler 300 because why the fuck not, and it was a nice lil pick me up after having sold my car the week before. I saw my old roommate's two-year-old who is very adamant with her "yes" and "no" answers even though she doesn't really take "no" for an answer. She showed me Peppa Pig and her dad's guitars and the garden and pond in their backyard. I ate Culver's for breakfast one morning. Between the Vikings not doing that well and the goofy accents, Minnesota hasn't changed that much.

She's right.

Tonight I'm going to my last AA meeting before I leave Seattle. What I'm about to write may receive some pushback, but you know I'm not one to bullshit (at least I hope you know) and I'm going to be honest about how I feel in regards to my sobriety:

I no longer consider myself as someone "in recovery." In my eyes, the term "recovery" implies that I am weak or in constant need of care, attention, or help. Today, in my 32 month journey of "sobriety" (which I don't use interchangeably with "recovery"), I see myself as someone who is sober, someone who abstains from mind altering chemicals. Keep in mind, the definitions of sobriety or recovery are different depending on who you talk to. In the AA realm of sobriety, some people don't even take prescription medication, even if it's under the care of a doctor with specific instructions. Others use a method of "marijuana maintenance," a term I've become less fond of in recent months because although it may be a substitute for alcohol, you're still technically abstinent from alcohol. 

I maybe average one meeting a month now. I haven't had a sponsor in over a year, and I don't work the 12 steps because I don't see the correlation of the claim to sobriety and not drinking. If alcoholism is a gene, or a chemical mutation or however you want to vaguely put it, then shouldn't it require a scientific solution? The Big Book (or Grandpa Big Book, as some people put it because grandfathers sometimes say things they don't mean or shouldn't or use antiquated terms for phenomena which have grown throughout the decades and manifested into something new or helpful) mentions that because alcoholism is a scientific disease, it needs a scientific solution. Yet, only the first step mentions alcohol. 

When I began to do my fourth step about two years ago, the step where you need to write down all of your resentments, your entire sexual history, your fears, and everything you've done wrong in hopes that some of these things could be cleansed by turning your will over to something not all of us believe in, I was instructed to go to five meetings a week. Some of these meetings had 12 people, others had more than 100. In each circumstance, the same story arose within different stories of sobriety. "I've gone through treatment 10 or 12 times and let me tell you, this program works." Clearly it doesn't. It isn't a one size fits all program, however the treatment network in America treats it as such. Occasionally I still meet someone who is surprised I haven't relapsed. 

You have 32 months? Well what did you have before that? 

In my experience, there's a general sense of shame that comes along with Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Unless I'm going to do the steps with a sponsor and go to meetings, I'll surely relapse. And if I do, it's because I didn't do just that. 

But I haven't relapsed. I feel stronger than ever after I made the biggest decision I've ever made next to getting sober in the first place. I've encountered people who have said, "Oh, well you don't have a sponsor? Good luck out there!" in a tone matched by Bill and Bob in the Big Book. It's incredibly condescending towards atheists and women, and since the last serious revision of this book was done sometime during the Cold War, it doesn't make sense to me that there needs to be this ultimate solution to alcoholism. If I don't drink, I can't get drunk, and I know that if I relapse or "go back out" as it's put in program terminology, I'll die. I know that. But isn't that enough? Why do I need to be guilt tripped into doing something I don't believe in? Something that will shame me and separate me from others when the whole point is to unite us under one common addiction? The only reason I still attend sporadic meetings is because they're the only place I can meet others like me, others who had their lives destroyed by their chemical dependency. These people all happen to be in the same place as the system sets it up that way, but in turn, only 4-6% are successful. This attitude of "ride or quite possibly die" in Alcoholics Anonymous has even been incorporated in meme culture. Here's a few I found in a quick Google Image search: 

Obviously these memes touch on a few different issues, but nowhere in my Google search did I ever see Leonardo DiCaprio or Keanu Reeves saying something like "Hey, whatever keeps you sober!" If anything, this attitude has isolated me from the program. I don't believe in god, whether it's your god, her god, whoever, and because of that, I can't force meaning onto something I don't believe in. Friends stopped calling me. I stopped getting invited to places. People who were really avid comedy fans stopped attending my shows, and I'd hate to think it was because I've found medical methods that work for me aside from Alcoholics Anonymous: seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, taking medication, visiting r/stopdrinking, reminding myself every day that I have a drinking problem and if I go back to my old ways, all of the progress I've made for myself will be erased. 

All that being said, I've located an Alano club in Brno so if I feel that I need to attend a meeting, I can. There's English speaking meetings twice a day, one at noon and one at 7pm at a place not too far from my apartment. We all have the same goal, so why does it matter so much how we get there? 

I leave one week from today. One week from right now, I'll be on a plane somewhere over Canada thinking about all of the regrets I have in regards to my journey. I have two boxes to ship, three open mics, and one more show to do. One more trip to Olympia, one trip to Everett, and a trip to the mall to walk Patrick around in his backpack so he gets used to busy, florescent environments. 

It's actually here. I'm a week away.